Can Being Too Empathetic Increase Your Risk for Burnout?

If you’ve ever been bombarded with bad news — scary headlines, a sick friend, a colleague who’s struggling — and wanted to withdraw rather than reach out to provide comfort, you may have wondered: What’s wrong with me? It’s only natural to want to help those in need, so what does it mean if you just … can’t?  

It may make you feel like a horrible person, but feeling disconnected in the face of pain and suffering is actually a normal human experience. Here’s why and what you can do to overcome it.  

What empathetic distress means

Sometimes the suffering of others can be overwhelming, especially when you feel helpless and like nothing you do will make a difference. Instead of making you want to reach out to people and try to help them, experiencing overwhelm can make you shut down and think, Why bother? Or it can preoccupy you so much that you’re struggling to function in your own life.

You might be inclined to call this phenomenon “compassion fatigue,” but that term is misleading, says Dr. Elizabeth Lin, a family medicine physician who is also a mindfulness teacher and a clinical professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Washington School of Medicine.  

What most people mean when they say they have compassion fatigue is that they’re feeling burnt out from empathizing with other people — in other words, they’re experiencing empathetic distress.  

Empathetic distress means you’re feeling too much empathy for someone else, to the point where you’re turning their suffering into yours.

It can especially affect people who have identities or belong to communities that continue to be long overlooked, silenced or oppressed and regularly deal with being treated as though their struggles and feelings don’t matter, says Vanessa Villalobos, Equity, Diversity and Inclusion training project manager for UW Medicine’s Office of Healthcare Equity.

It may seem like a minor distinction, but, in fact, the difference between compassion and empathy is the first important realization toward overcoming empathetic distress.

Why the difference between empathy and compassion matters

Empathy means feeling the pain of others — maybe not to the same degree as them, but enough that you start to feel some of their distress.

“It comes naturally for many of us because we’re built with mirror neurons in our brains that sense, within our own bodies, what the other person is feeling,” says Lin. “Empathy helps us survive and care for each other. But the question is: Can there be too much empathy?”

Her answer is yes, there can be. That’s because feeling someone else’s pain, even a small portion of it, can make you feel negative physical and emotional reactions associated with that pain, too. Empathy also has a tendency to be focused on the self — how you’re directly experiencing what someone else is feeling — which can cause withdrawal from others when things become too painful, Lin says.  

In contrast, compassion is about caring for others and yourself, recognizing when someone is struggling and wanting to help. It’s focused more on the intention and action of supporting someone (or yourself) than on the distress about whatever is causing pain or hardship. Compassion connects us to our shared humanity.

“With compassion, you activate the parasympathetic part of your nervous system, which helps you feel more calm, caring and nurturing,” Lin says. “Instead of withdrawing, like with empathy and fatigue, you approach others. Empathy means, ‘I feel you,’ but compassion means, ‘I hold you.’”  

She likes to use an analogy of walking with a friend along a river when suddenly they slip and fall in. Jumping in and being swept away by the current is empathy, whereas holding onto a branch and helping pull them out is compassion.

“Therefore, you don’t lose yourself while you’re caring for others,” she says.

There may be situations, too, when you can’t really avoid being swept away. This may happen if you are part of a marginalized community, facing all the added burdens of life while also trying to support those who are dealing with their own burdens.

“Sometimes you have to learn how to be able to swim with that other person to safety,” says Villalobos. “When someone does not engage or retreats, it is not because they are powerless, it is sometimes a form of self-preservation in that moment.”  

Is empathetic distress a problem?

Lin wants anyone experiencing empathetic distress to know that it is natural and there is nothing wrong with them. While you may feel guilty or like a bad person, it’s important to recognize that empathetic distress usually comes from overwhelm and burnout, not from being uncaring.  

“That guilt reaction is so automatic and natural, as is putting others above ourselves,” says Lin. “Sometimes we’re just spent, and we have no more to give.”

But just because empathetic distress is normal, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take steps to heal from it. Not addressing empathetic distress can lead to more burnout, which has negative health consequences. Plus, for people in caregiving roles, not addressing your needs will make you worse at your job. It may also make others less likely to confide in you if they don’t understand the reasons for your behavior. 

“Professionally and personally, I’ve noticed people retreating in the level of interactions they want to have with others when they know that vulnerability will cost them additional emotional weight and so engaging with a person may not feel like a safe space,” Villalobos says.

How to overcome empathetic distress

Experiencing empathetic distress is overwhelming enough — you may wonder how you even begin addressing it. But there are big and small things you can do that will help you feel less distressed over time and can help you learn how to lean into compassion.

Prioritize your basic needs

Good luck trying to feel less burnt out if you don’t have a solid foundation to work from. This means that, before trying any other strategies to ease your empathetic distress, you need to make sure you’re eating nutritious foods, staying hydrated, getting sleep, moving your body, doing your normal hygiene routines, and doing anything else that will ensure you have enough energy and strength to support you when you start trying to heal.

It’s also important to recognize if healing isn’t possible for you right now.  

“For BIPOC and ‘othered’ communities, we do not always think of ourselves as able to heal given the layers and knowledge of generational trauma and quieted histories," says Villalobos. “Sometimes, the goal is just to survive.”

Cultivate compassion (and self-compassion)

To learn how to practice compassion, first you need to recognize when your empathy is weighing you down. Notice how it’s making you feel and what thoughts you’re having about it and about the person you’re empathizing with. Then, try to shift gears and focus on what you can do to help the person.  

This may be easier said than done, especially in sudden or intense situations that cause a lot of distress. In that case, you may need to take a simpler approach.

“Make a wish for the person to be safe or free of pain,” Lin says. “Try to take deep, steady breaths, and as you do, tell yourself that you’re breathing in for yourself and breathing out for the other person. Be intentional about breathing into your whole body.”

It’s important to be compassionate toward yourself, too, not just other people. The next time you find yourself critical of your response to a situation, take a pause and think about how you can respond more kindly. Taking a mindful self-compassion course can also help you learn how to do this. Programs like this offer formal, evidence-based strategies for cultivating compassion for yourself and others.  

Treat yourself

Self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary. Doing activities you enjoy — whether that’s connecting with a friend or hiking or cooking a fancy dinner — help you decompress and reconnect with yourself.  

“Do not feel guilty for creating a space for yourself to have a good time,” says Villalobos. “It’s taken a while, but I have finally learned to do that. I’m not saying it’s easy, or that it works for everyone, but it has taken me on a personal journey to be aware of and acknowledge that that’s what I need.”  

One way Villalobos does this? Teaching ballroom, salsa and bachata classes.  

Not sure what will bring you joy? Lin recommends making a list of at least five activities you can do that will make you feel better, even small things like calling a friend for a few minutes or taking a bath before bed. Make this list when you’re in a better mood so it will be at the ready when you’re not.   

Don’t give in to hopelessness

Part of empathetic distress can be feeling like things are so messed up that nothing you do will fix them. And while that may be true, that doesn’t mean you still can’t make a difference.  

Villalobos recommends focusing on what you can do. Even if you feel powerless or feel like you have less agency in a situation, there are often still small ways you can raise awareness or offer support.  

Trust yourself to do what’s right for you

“You might feel guilty, but know that when you take care of yourself and set boundaries, things turn out better for yourself and others, you’ll radiate less negativity, you won’t get as resentful, and you’ll do a better job and feel better about yourself,” Lin says.  

You know better than anyone else where your lines are drawn and what boundaries make sense for you to set. Check in with yourself regularly about your self-care strategies. It’s also important to learn when coping with something isn’t working and you need to say no instead.

“Is doing what you’re doing useful and helpful or not?” asks Lin. “It’s important to consider because the world is better off if you’re happier.”