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We live in a digital age where everything is perfectly curated, every other ad is for a weight-loss drug, and both the dating pool and the job market feel like an endless pit of rejection. There can be a lot of pressure to be perfect, and the stakes can seem pretty high when it feels like you are falling short.
It’s easy to conflate being a perfectionist with being successful. But underneath that perfect life or flawless body, perfectionism has a dark side, too. Pushed to the extreme, it can take a significant toll on your mental health.
“It’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself,” says Koriann Cox, PhD, a psychologist at the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the University of Washington School of Medicine. “It can be harmful in so many ways.”
To understand why it’s not always healthy, it’s first important to understand what perfectionism is.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the tendency or desire to want to do everything exactly right — and to feel that anything less than that is a failure.
“I think of it as a coping strategy for managing high-stakes situations, which may, at one time, have been an adaptive one, but over time develops into a coping strategy that is no longer helping you,” says Erik Carlson, MD, PhD, a psychiatrist at the VA Puget Sound Health Care System and an associate professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the UW School of Medicine.
Underneath perfectionism is often a need for others to perceive you exactly how you want to be perceived.
“For example, if you’re a mom who wants to be seen as the person whose house is totally clean, whose children get sent to school with healthy and picture-worthy lunches, who can go to all of the field trips and class events and get everything done at work, those could be perfectionist tendencies,” says Cox.
By nature, perfectionists can’t tolerate mistakes — or the appearance of making them. As a result, you might feel that you’re constantly failing, have a hard time relaxing or letting go of control, or regularly procrastinate or have obsessive tendencies with work, relationships or even your appearance.
Perfectionists aren’t actually perfect (hint: no one is). It’s simply that they let normal shortcomings undermine their confidence and self-worth.
“Some other signs that perfectionism might be impacting your overall well-being include burnout, demoralization and poor boundaries around work-life balance issues,” says Carlson. “Do you take time off when you’re sick? If not, you may be a perfectionist.”
There are some questions you can ask yourself if you think you might be a perfectionist:
- How are you functioning? (For example, if you’re crushing it at work and home, how much sleep are you getting? Are you eating enough?)
- How sustainable are your actions?
- What does your self-talk sound like?
Why is perfectionism a problem?
Making mistakes is part of being human, but if you’re a perfectionist, you probably have a harder time forgiving yourself when you slip up.
Instead of accepting that failure is just a part of life, you might obsess over mistakes and feel worthless when you don’t accomplish your goals.
Even more of a catch-22? Every time you beat yourself up for failing to meet an impossible standard, you rewire your brain to link failure with self-criticism, like one of Pavlov’s dogs.
Research has found that perfectionists are at higher risk for depression, anxiety and chronic stress, and eating disorders.
“If you’re looking at yourself and finding fault, that’s going to lead to a lot of depressive or anxiety-related symptoms, or both,” says Cox. “It also means you’re likely to miss recognizing the hard work and progress you’re making if those don’t live up to your ideal of perfection.”
Is it ever useful to be a perfectionist?
If you’re striving for perfection, it likely means you’re thoughtful about how to approach a problem. In some situations, especially high-stress jobs where mistakes could have negative consequences, that can be useful.
“If you’re someone who wants to predict every outcome, that requires time and thought,” says Cox. “You can definitely harness that for good.”
Here’s a lower-stakes example: If you want to throw the “perfect” birthday party for a friend, you might put a lot of time and effort into it. That level of attention and detail will be noticed and appreciated … as long as you don’t take it too far.
“If your vision of a perfect party includes everyone wearing specific outfits, being 100 percent on time, enjoying every aspect of what you planned, laughing at every joke, with no room for flexibility, you’re setting yourself up to be controlling of others and majorly disappointed if something doesn’t go exactly how you wanted it to go,” says Cox.
How do you stop being a perfectionist?
It’s not easy to turn the volume down on that inner critic, but there are ways you can try to break the pattern of negative thought when you feel like you’re falling short.
Recognize failure is part of being human
One antidote to perfectionism is realizing that tough experiences, failures and difficult emotions are part of the normal human experience. When you’re able to recognize flaws as part of common humanity, you naturally feel less alone when you fail.
“Every failure is an opportunity to learn and grow,” says Cox. “We learn what we like, what we don’t like, and what we can do differently when we don’t succeed.”
Focus on what’s important to you
For this, Cox suggests Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a type of therapy that helps people identify their core values, accept the reality of their situation, and learn to be less critical of themselves.
“If you value connection, for example, focusing on the value itself might give you space to think about what’s most important to you,” says Cox. “Are you more concerned that an interaction with someone looks or goes a certain way, or do you truly want to connect with another person in the normal, sometimes messy way that humans do?”
Check your standards
It’s OK to want the best for yourself, but make sure you’re being realistic about those goals. Cox suggests asking yourself whether you’re measuring others by the same standards you use to measure yourself.
“A lot of people will admit that they don’t hold others to the same standards they hold themselves to,” says Cox.
Get good at self-compassion
Try to find a way to disrupt your chain of negative thoughts while you’re thinking of them. Set timers throughout the day to purposefully take breaks and see if you notice a pattern of negative thoughts, especially if you’re in a place that typically triggers those perfectionist tendencies, like work.
Doing this can prevent your brain from automatically linking failure with self-criticism, so you can retrain it to learn a more positive association.
The key to this? Self-compassion.
“Most of us would never talk to others in the way that we talk to ourselves, and we wouldn’t tolerate others talking to us in the same way we talk to ourselves,” says Cox. “Self-compassion work is great for this.”
If it’s hard to break that habit, start by picturing someone who’s trying to learn a new skill, like playing an instrument for the first time. They probably won’t be able to play a song without making some mistakes, but you’d still give them some positive feedback to keep them motivated.
Imagine what you might say to comfort or encourage them. Then flip it and offer those same words to yourself.
Try changing your behavior
You don’t have to abandon your goals, but what would happen if you tried a little … less hard? Carlson suggests a behavioral experiment for this.
“Is giving 110 percent always necessary? Try giving 70 percent effort for something and see how it works out,” says Carlson. “I like to remind myself that behavioral flexibility is sort of a muscle we can train, and in the long term, is very healthy for your brain.”
For example, maybe you don’t have to scrub your entire house clean before a friend comes over, and you could try letting a little clutter stay out in the open.
Remember: You’re doing your best
So much in life is beyond your control. It’s not fair to you to be hard on yourself for not getting everything “right” when the world throws curveballs left and right.
“You could do everything ‘perfectly’ and still fail, through no fault of your own,” says Cox. “It doesn’t make you a failure because your ‘perfect’ wasn’t enough.”
This article was originally published on Jan. 2, 2020. It has been reviewed and updated with new info. Angela Cabotaje and Ari Cofer contributed to this article.
