7 Tips to Get the Most Out of Your Therapy Sessions

Nothing is inexpensive these days, and if you’re someone who’s lucky enough to have found a therapist after months on a waitlist, you know that therapy sessions are no exception.  

Getting as much as you can out of therapy isn’t just important for your wallet, but also your mind. And in a day and age when everything from fiber to physical appearance is about “maxxing,” might we suggest a new addition to the vernacular? Therapymaxxing.

It’s time to level up your therapy sessions. Here are the top things a therapist wishes you would (and wouldn’t) do during therapy to make it work the best it can for you.  

Do leave shame at the door

There’s no room for shame in therapy. In fact, therapy is a great place to talk about what you’re ashamed of and work through it. And yes, it can be hard to talk with a stranger about your deepest, darkest secrets. But it will hopefully help you in the long run to name them, even if it’s anxiety-inducing at first.  

“Everyone struggles with this. I’m a therapist, and even I’ve had a hard time being honest with my own therapist,” says Katherine Seldin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and acting assistant professor at the University of Washington School of Medicine’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. “When we’re brave, it’s an opportunity for us to free ourselves of our shame and maybe even get some help.”

So that friend you let down when you were depressed? Tell your therapist. Those intrusive thoughts about whether you actually love your (wonderful) partner? Tell your therapist.  

Do share important information

Similarly, try to be honest with your therapist about what issues are most affecting you. Sure, maybe you don’t trauma dump on your first session with a new therapist, but after you’ve gotten to know someone a bit and determined that you trust them, make sure they know the most important information about you.  

“Often, people will come in for something like insomnia, and after months, they reveal they had a major trauma,” Seldin says. “But if your therapist is missing crucial information about you, they might not have all they need to treat you.”

If you’re having trouble opening up, Seldin recommends writing it down and showing it to them (or sending it to them, if you meet virtually). You can also let on that you want to tell them about something major but aren’t quite ready yet; that way, they know you’ll be having an important conversation in the near future and can help you open up.   

Don’t apologize  

Sure, if you’re having a stressful day and say something rude to your therapist, apologize for that. But those times you don’t do your homework from your last session, have a hard time opening up, or are struggling to change the behaviors you told your therapist you want to change? No apology needed. You’re only human, after all, and so is your therapist; they’ll understand.  

Do make a commitment  

If you’ve decided to commit to therapy, that’s a big step that you should be proud of. But don’t self-sabotage by doing things that lessen your commitment, like not showing up for sessions, canceling last-minute on the regular, or not paying attention during sessions.  

And if you’re attending sessions regularly but not doing any of the work in your day-to-day life, it’s worth examining why.  

“I always tell people that part of the homework is to figure out what makes it hard for you to do the homework. What’s stopping you from making these changes?” Seldin says.  

If you can identify specific issues or barriers standing in your way, then you can actively work to address them. But sometimes, the barrier might be bigger.  

“If you’re regularly missing sessions or canceling, evaluate if now is the right time for you to be in therapy and if this is the right fit,” Seldin says.

And no shame if it’s not the right time; it’s better to know that than spend a lot of money on something that isn’t right for you in this phase of your life.  

Do give your therapist feedback  

If something isn’t working for you, if you have questions, or if you think trying something else would be helpful, let your therapist know. They may be the expert on psychological tools to aid your mental health, but you’re the expert of your own life and experience.

Don’t be afraid that you’re going to offend them or hurt their feelings if you need to make some changes or an exercise isn’t working the way you’d hoped, Seldin says.

“I don’t take it personally,” Seldin says. “It’s not about me, it’s about whether this tool is the right fit for that person. Often, there are lots of things we could try.”

Also, let your therapist know if you feel like you’re not spending enough time on the issues that feel most urgent.  

“If you’re finding that you’re not getting to the things that are most important to you until the very end of a session, write those down, and then bring them to your next session to discuss at the start,” Seldin says.

Don’t get discouraged if the first thing doesn’t work

Speaking of trying different things: If one approach doesn’t work for you, that doesn’t mean you’re out of luck. In most cases, there are many different tools and interventions your therapist can guide you through.  

If you and your therapist agree to have you try one thing, you want to give it enough time to see if it works, of course. But if it’s been months and you don’t feel like you’re making any progress, don’t lose hope; maybe you just need to try something else.  

Do your homework between sessions  

If you and your therapist come up with a plan for things you can do in between sessions, try to stick to the plan — though remember that perfection isn’t the goal, so don’t shame yourself if you can’t do everything you wanted to.

“Between sessions, you could make notes or journal about what you talked about, including what was hard, what was easy, and what surprised you,” Seldin says.  

If you’re dealing with social anxiety, for example, make note of situations when you struggle with it (or don’t) during the week. If you’re working on setting boundaries, write down times you successfully assert yourself and times when you struggle to do so. Then, bring your notes to your next session with your therapist. 

Therapy can be helpful and even life-changing for people dealing with different mental health conditions, as well as personal life struggles, but that doesn’t mean therapy is easy. It takes time, effort and money, and it involves making a commitment. Doing what you can to optimize your therapy sessions (while giving yourself grace for imperfections) will only help your mental health long term.