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Sometimes, between picking up toys, packing lunches, checking on Mom’s prescriptions and catching up on work, you, the caregiver, seem to have disappeared. Not that you don’t adore your family and want to help them, but you’re also on a one-way street to burnout town if you keep going like this.
“One of the major struggles that caregivers face is that the caregiving role often pushes all of the other parts of your identity down,” says Koriann Cox, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist at UW Medical Center. “And if you are part of the ‘sandwich generation’ and you’re worrying about your parents and your children, then there’s a lot of pressure to focus on others, and your own identity is put on the back burner.”
So how exactly do you ensure your needs are still met when you’re spending so much time taking care of everyone else’s? Here are tips to help you maintain your mental health and keep your self-care on track.
Know when to say “no” (and say it a lot)
It may seem obvious, but it’s also one of the most powerful steps you can take. Are you exhausted from running your kids around to extracurricular activities, but they really want to do one more sport?
Just say no.
Do your daughter and her friend really want a playdate today — even though you’re already juggling your dad's doctor’s appointment, cooking something for dinner and picking up another kid from day care?
Say no here, too.
It doesn’t have to be mean, but it can be that simple to set some boundaries.
“I’m a parent, and I realize that there’s this immense pressure of trying to do it all,” says Cox. “You need to give yourself the grace to recognize that you can’t do everything, and that even though there might be societal expectations that you do everything, you don’t have to.”
So really, it’s about prioritization — because if that sport is super important to your kids, maybe you need to figure out what else you’re currently doing that you can say no to, to make room.
“For everything you say yes to, you will almost certainly have to say no to something else, maybe not immediately, but definitely down the line,” says Cox. “And everything you say no to gives you an opportunity to say yes to something later.”
Ask for help
I’m looking at you, the individual who never wants people to think they can’t handle everything. Help doesn’t always just mean your spouse; it could also be other family, friends, neighbors, community organizations and so on.
And back to those playdates from earlier: In this situation, you could just tell the other parent, “Hey, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I love that you want to have a playdate with my child, but I’m not in a place where I can host right now.” And then maybe they’ll invite your kid to their house instead. Often, just being open and honest with others about your struggles can be refreshing for both parties.
And we understand that sometimes resources are hard to come by for certain things like supported housing or live-in caregivers for a parent, especially if you’re not rolling in money. But if something feels unsustainable, ask your parent’s doctor if there’s a social worker who can connect you with resources or if they know of any caregiver support programs.
“And if you feel like you’re not getting answers, keep asking,” says Cox. “Keep asking different people, because you may find someone who, maybe it’s not their expertise, but they have helpful information.”
Use the tools at your disposal
It’s also OK if you can’t, or don’t want to, interact with your child or aging parent every moment of the day. This is when you can take advantage of the tools that are available to you.
Trying to get dinner on the table, but realize that your three-year-old has turned into some kind of demon spawn? It’s perfectly fine to give them a little screen time so that you can finish cooking without losing your mind.
“Then I’m not managing kids running under my feet while I’m trying to chop or transport hot dishes,” says Cox. “So, if I can get them set up with something that keeps them engaged for those 30 minutes that I’m cooking dinner, that’s a tool that I can use to help myself and reduce my stress load, versus having to wrangle arguments and oversee.”
Or if something like running to the grocery store for your parents feels too overwhelming with everything else you’re juggling, there’s no harm in using a grocery delivery service to save you some time and hassle.
Know what replenishes you
Cox gives this analogy: When your cellphone is running low on battery and is drained, it goes into low power mode where it only does the most necessary tasks. However, low power mode is not going to charge the battery — you have to charge it to restore battery life. It’s the same for people, which is why you have to know when you’re running on low power and what recharges you.
Also, it’s different for everyone. For some, recharging might be playing sports, dining with friends, thrifting ... whatever it is, make it a priority.
As Cox says, “I am a mom, I am a daughter, I am a psychologist, so I take care of a lot of people all day, but I also deserve to be able to have that space to just be me.”
You've got this
Remember, you’re doing a lot, so make sure to offer yourself the grace that you deserve.
“Giving yourself the space to recognize that it’s hard and it’s exhausting doesn't mean that there’s something wrong with you if you are feeling tired,” says Cox.
Now, go recharge.
