7 Ways to Support Your Transgender and Nonbinary Friends

With all the anti-trans sentiment and legislation across the U.S. in recent years, as well as acts of violence against transgender and nonbinary people, life can feel overwhelming for people in this community.  

If you have a friend or family member who’s gender diverse, you may wonder how to best support them. And while it’s always important to ask people what they need, there are other things you can do, too, so that the person you care about knows they can rely on you.  

The real challenges trans and non-binary people face

Many (but not all) trans and nonbinary people experience gender dysphoria, which is a type of mental distress that happens when someone’s gender identity does not match their sex assigned at birth. Dysphoria usually improves when someone is allowed to affirm their identity and worsens if someone is prevented from doing so. 

Because of the heightened political scrutiny on trans and nonbinary people’s identities, plus the bans on gender-affirming care throughout the country, many gender diverse people may feel extra pressure to get the care they need as soon as possible.

But since there are long wait times for care — a year or more waiting for a surgical procedure is normal here in Washington state — it can create mental health issues or even crises in some people, says Andy Duarte, LICSW, MSW, a licensed social worker and behavioral healthcare coordinator for UW Medicine Primary Care who works with gender diverse patients.

“The wait is so long, it can feel daunting and desperate. We have people coming from all over the state trying to get care,” he says.  

Adding to dysphoria and the current political climate is the fact that gender diverse people experience disproportionate rates of violence. A recent meta-analysis of studies that gathered data about violence against trans and gender diverse people showed that they have a 64% lifetime risk of experiencing interpersonal violence. 

It is a challenging time to be trans or nonbinary, which makes support vital. Here are some ways you can show up for the gender-diverse people in your life.  

Make it clear that they’re safe with you

You can do this by telling them, but also by showing them: Call them by their correct pronouns and name and use gender-inclusive language when possible. (For example: Recognize that there are people who fall in between and outside of the female-male gender binary.)  

“When I get the honor and opportunity to work with patients who feel comfortable identifying themselves, the main thing is to acknowledge what they’re dealing with and have the space be very safe,” says Duarte. “Because often multiple areas of their life — family, social life, education, medical treatment, travel — are impacted by how others treat them and their feelings of distress or dysphoria.”  

Validate their feelings, show empathy and just be a good friend.  

Understand the challenges they might be facing

Normal life responsibilities can become more complicated when you aren’t accepted by others. Some people may reach a point where they’re hypervigilant, always on the alert in case someone isn’t going to treat them fairly or is going to try to harm them.  

Do a little research on your own so you understand the types of issues that gender-diverse people often face.

Recognize their gender identity isn’t their whole identity  

Being gender diverse is an important part of someone’s life, and, depending on where they live and how much support they have, they may face a significant amount of discrimination in their day-to-day. But no one’s gender, or the discrimination they face because of it, defines their entire existence. 

“Often, someone’s gender and how they identify is really secondary to all the other things going on in their lives,” says Duarte.

Finding a safe place to live and a stable job, getting necessary healthcare, taking care of family members, paying bills — trans and nonbinary people have the same life responsibilities as anyone else.

Help them move away from all-or-nothing thinking

When you’re experiencing heightened stress or facing extra challenges, it’s easy to fall into all-or-nothing thinking and assume the worst. But even if the worst has happened in the past, it doesn’t mean it will again.

“A lot of folks that have experienced discrimination and trauma in the past have a hard time trusting that things out of their control will go the right way,” Duarte says. “But I try to help people focus on what they can control. You can’t control how others respond to you, but you can control how you look and express your gender identity, and you can have ownership over yourself in that space.”

Always being afraid and experiencing chronic stress isn’t sustainable or healthy, and it can significantly impact someone’s quality of life. That’s why having some hope, even while recognizing the challenges, is so important.   

“The opposite of worry is hope. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best,” Duarte says.  

Remind them of their strength

We all learn from the challenges we’ve experienced. And being your authentic self, even when some people don’t support you, can also teach someone a lot about who they are and what they’re capable of.

Remind your friend that they’ve been through a lot, and yet they’re still here.

“It’s an empowering reminder when someone has been through something difficult and been resilient because of it,” Duarte says. “That can also make you wise, and wisdom is really powerful. That lived experience does inform you, but it doesn’t have to stop you from moving forward.”

Tell them about helpful resources

There are lots of helpful resources you can share with your friend. Here are a couple:  

• Trans Lifeline: a community care and peer support hotline for trans people throughout the country
• Washington State Office of Equity: resources for gender diverse people who live in Washington   

Share articles about building resilience that are written specifically for queer, trans and nonbinary people, as well as other evidence-based advice for aiding mental health. There’s a helpful concept in psychology called radical acceptance, which means accepting things for what they are without justifying traumatic experiences or discrimination, yet not allowing it to hold you back.  

Offer to help how you can

You shouldn’t try to be your friend’s therapist; they should speak with a licensed mental health professional if they’re really struggling. But you can listen and offer advice when they ask or when it feels appropriate, and you can find other ways to help out, too.

Does your friend need someone to watch their dog while they go to an appointment? Or do they want a buddy to go to an event with? Maybe they’re having a rough day and could use someone to pick up their groceries or walk with them to the store if they’re worried about going alone.  

Think outside of the box and ask your friend what they could use help with. Not only will it make a big difference to them, but it will also strengthen your bond.

“Even if you don’t know what it’s like to be transgender or nonbinary, you know what it means to be human, to feel hurt and joy, even if you don’t know someone’s individual experience,” says Duarte. “Establishing that there are people out there your friend can trust is so important.”