6 Ways to (Respectfully) Deal With Passive-Aggressive People

Ah, the sting of your mom telling you how thoughtful it is of you to finally “grace everyone with your presence” on the first day of the family vacation. Or that neighbor who says your hairstyle looks just like one she had — back in the 80s.  

While passive-aggressiveness can happen anywhere, Pacific Northwesterners do have a bit of a reputation for it. Whether you were born and raised here or are new to the area, here’s how to address the behavior and not let it upset you.  

(Oh, and if you’re the one who’s passive-aggressive, we have some tips for you, too.)  

Being passive-aggressive serves a purpose

First off, passive-aggressive behavior is not a pathology or mental illness; it’s just a pattern of behavior that is often unhelpful.  

Passive-aggressive behavior means someone is insulting you without making it obvious they’re doing so. It’s not a direct remark like, “That shirt doesn’t look good on you,” but rather a comment like, “Wow, that shirt makes you look so pale!”  

You may not understand why people in your life choose to be passive-aggressive, especially if it’s someone you know well. But passive-aggressive behavior serves a purpose for the person doing it.

“Sometimes people are passive-aggressive because they’re mean-spirited about something, but they’re cowardly; they don’t want to deal with your reaction, or they want to get away with it, especially in public,” says Pepper Schwartz, a relationship expert and professor of sociology at the University of Washington.  

For people with less malicious intent, it could be that they disagree with you but are conflict-avoidant in general or don’t even fully realize how they’re feeling or how their behavior is coming across.

“During small conflicts, if you don’t overtly discuss them, being passive-aggressive rather than overtly discussing them might make them go away, and peace is somewhat maintained on the surface,” says Susan Lin, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the UW Medicine Center for Behavioral Health and Learning. “People might get a little hurt, but are still able to coexist in this gray zone, so peace is mostly maintained.” 

How to confront someone who’s passive-aggressive

Still, just because there’s a reason for it doesn’t make passive-aggressive behavior OK. Being on the receiving end of it can mess with your head and feelings, from mild irritation to serious psychological harm — the latter especially if the behavior comes regularly from someone who is important in your life.

Whether the passive-aggressive person in your life is a family member, friend, coworker or acquaintance, here are some ways to call them out — or start a conversation with them.

Pick your battles

Sometimes it might not be worth your energy to confront someone about how they’re acting. If it’s a neighbor you don’t know very well or a person you only ever interact with in passing, letting it go and moving on might save you a headache.  

Consider what’s the most important thing in the situation: Maintaining the relationship without conflict? Getting away from them or getting back to what you need to focus on? But if the most important thing is having an honest relationship with the person, some of the tips below might be more appropriate.  

Address the issue directly but discreetly

Maybe the passive-aggressive person is your boss or even your teenager. In some situations — like during a meeting or in front of their friends — it might be better to avoid confronting them in that moment but plan on doing so later.  

What to say: “Hey, can we talk later?” or “Can we have a meeting tomorrow to talk about a few things?”  

Or just address the issue directly

This can be helpful for people you interact with regularly who make passive-aggressive comments often. Think your uncle who likes to randomly mention crime rates in your city or your coworker who always has something to say about your “unique” sense of style.  

When you’re relatively comfortable with the person and your relationship with them, being honest about how their comments land may be helpful. Some people just genuinely aren’t that self-aware.

What to say: “Ouch, that kind of hurt” or “I don’t think you meant it that way, but that hurt my feelings” or “OK, we disagree, let’s talk about it.”  

Put the responsibility back on them

Similar to the tip above, this one is also about directly acknowledging what’s happening and not pretending it’s not happening or letting it slide. But this approach turns the responsibility back on the person who is being passive-aggressive, taking yourself out of the conversation and focusing it back on them.

What to say: “What do you mean by that?” or “Why did you say that?”  

Set boundaries

If someone close to you is passive-aggressive on the regular, it might be time to have a serious conversation and set some boundaries. Let the person know that their behavior isn’t acceptable, that you care about them and want to communicate openly rather than resorting to snarky offhand comments. 

What to say: “You say these things a lot, and it really hurts my feelings. I want you to feel like you can talk with me honestly. How can we work toward that?”  

Know when to walk away

It’s also OK to simply leave a conversation if the other person’s passive-aggressive remarks are making you uncomfortable. This can be effective at curbing the behavior if you’ve warned the person ahead of time that you’ll walk away if they get too nasty.

What to say: “If you keep this up, I’m just going to go home, because I already told you I won’t tolerate being treated this way.”  

Wait … am I the one who’s passive-aggressive?  

Most of us will be passive-aggressive from time to time, even if we don’t mean to.  

“We can’t solve all our own problems; maybe we don’t have the right tools to look at ourselves in ways we prefer not to,” Schwartz says. “But if someone’s good enough to tell you that something hurts, take it seriously, see it as a doorway you need to walk through.”

If someone is being passive-aggressive with you, try to have an open conversation about it. And if someone tells you that you’re being passive-aggressive, try not to get defensive.  

“I like to think people do things for a reason, but that reason may not still be valid today; it might be from decades ago,” Lin says. “I do think communicating more effectively can be learned and people can get better with practice.”