How Men Can Find Healing and Growth After Divorce

Divorce is a major event in any person’s life — it reshapes your relationships, your living situation, your finances and how you parent.  

Not surprisingly, divorce increases the risk of anxiety and depression for all genders, but men are especially vulnerable, especially in the period right after the breakup. While each person’s situation is different, men generally have worse support networks and find it more challenging to ask for help. 

But divorce doesn’t need to be all bad for men. It can be an opportunity for deeper connection, personal growth and self-knowledge that you can take into the next chapter of your life.  

What are the health effects of divorce?

Every divorce is different, and the unique circumstances affect how you will do afterward, including whether the divorce was mutually agreed to, whether your spouse wanted the divorce, or whether you left your marriage to pursue a relationship with another person.

But overall, in divorces between a woman and a man, recently divorced men are more likely than women to struggle with their mental and physical health right after divorce and to experience depression for the first time. Men are already four times more likely to die by suicide than women in the U.S., and divorced men have an even higher risk. 

In addition to depression, divorce can affect your health in other ways in the months after splitting up. Complicated legal proceedings — including custody arrangements and financial settlements — can lead to chronic stress. Chronic stress, in turn, can cause sleep problems, as well as increase blood pressure and systemic inflammation, which can increase the risk of heart disease over time. 

Finally, you might turn to a glass of whiskey or a cigarette to cope with the stress and pain you’re experiencing. Or you might start eating exclusively frozen pizzas and bail on going to the gym. These lifestyle choices are obviously not good for your health.  

Why do men struggle after divorce?

Why do men often have such a hard time in the short-term? Well, for one, they likely don’t have as robust a support system as women do.  

“Men often rely heavily on their spouse as their primary source of emotional support,” says Jürgen Unützer, MD, a psychiatrist at UW Medicine and chair of UW School of Medicine’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. “After divorce, they may have fewer close confidants compared to women, who often have broader social networks.” 

And the friends men do have are not necessarily ones they can open up to during hard times.  

“A lot of male relationships are focused around things you do together as opposed to things you talk about together,” says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, an author, researcher and long-time professor of sociology at the University of Washington. “And so even though these are their work buddies or their team buddies, those relationships may not have developed into ones they can lean on during divorce.”

Finally, for many men, being a husband is an important part of who they are and losing that identity can be challenging and even a source of shame.

How to heal (and grow) after divorce  

But while a lot of things about divorce are difficult, it’s far from all bad. That’s especially true if you’re ending a marriage with serious problems.  

“For men leaving a high-conflict marriage or a marriage in which they have been abused, mental and physical health may actually improve after separation,” says Unützer. “Reduced exposure to chronic marital stress can improve mood, reduce anxiety and stress.”

Even if you weren’t the one who wanted to end things, it’s possible to heal and even to grow after divorce. Here are some ways to start.

Tell people how you’re feeling

You are far from alone — around 40% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce.  

“There are very few marriages that, however they look from the outside, have not been challenged in some significant ways,” says Schwartz. “You’re not alone, you’re not an unusual circumstance.”

So don’t let shame or embarrassment prevent you from talking to the people around you, especially if they’re reaching out.

“If you choose to just put it under a rug and hope that it just stays there, you’re not treating yourself well,” says Schwartz. “Find someone who can help you understand it or who you feel you can go into the sad things with. Even if this is a divorce you wanted, there are losses and changes that everyone really should take time for.”  

It might feel vulnerable, but a friend or a loved one will likely be grateful to hear how you are doing and to know you trust them enough to open up.  

Don’t wait to reach out about your mental health  

If you don’t have a lot of people in your life, or even if you do, don’t take your mental health for granted. This is a great time to talk to a therapist if you haven’t yet.  

“If you’re depressed, I hope somebody's going to notice it, your kids or your next-door neighbor or your friends,” says Schwartz. “If people are saying things to you, like they notice you’ve been down lately, that’s a sign that maybe you need to fully express yourself about this to a professional.”  

If you’re having an acute mental health crisis or thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. 

Look at it as an opportunity to learn about yourself  

Talking with a therapist can help you use your divorce as an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow.

“This is a life transition that requires some emotional digging about what happened, where you are now, where you are going, what insights you have had,” says Schwartz. “It’s too important to just toughen up and say, ‘I’ll get through it.’ You should see it as part of your emotional education and self-knowledge.”

Instead of just lingering in resentment or anger, ask yourself what you can learn about yourself.

“I don’t want to stay angry at it because how useless is that, that hurts nobody but me, right?” says Schwartz. “I need to use my anger or sadness as a set of clues to find out more about myself and what I need and what I want in the future.”

Look at it as an opportunity to learn, so that in your next relationship, you won’t make the same mistakes and will have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a relationship.

Don’t throw yourself into dating right away  

Speaking of next time, Schwartz does not recommend jumping right into the dating pool. She sees many men who are so lonely after divorce that they throw themselves into dating immediately.  

“If you’re still very angry, this is a good indication that you’re not ready to date,” says Schwartz. “On the other side, if you’re really lonely, you’re a sitting duck, you’re going to fall in love with anybody who has a nice smile.”

So as hard as it is to be alone, it’s important to take some time for yourself.  

“Don’t try to heal this thing quickly because it doesn’t heal quickly; it takes a while to know and feel what’s going on,” says Schwartz.  

Trust that time will heal all wounds

Finally, keep in mind that, in the long term, you’re going to be OK.  

“While the first year or two may be the most difficult, many men will adapt and rebuild social relationships,” says Unützer.

It might be hard to imagine now, but you will make it to the other side of divorce, and if you put in the work, you’ll be an even better and more self-aware person for it.