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Maybe your close friend recently came out to you as asexual, or maybe you think you might be asexual, but you’re not quite sure what it means.
Asexuality is a spectrum — there isn’t one perfect bucket to fit in. Here are some ways to understand asexuality if you don’t know a lot about it.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is typically defined as not experiencing sexual attraction or the desire to have sexual relationships. But according to Darryl C. Elliott, ARNP, a nurse practitioner at the Sexual Health Clinic at Harborview Medical Center, it can be hard to fully describe the spectrum of asexuality.
“Someone may hear the term asexual and automatically assume that everyone who identifies as asexual doesn’t experience any sexual attraction or doesn’t have sex at all,” says Elliott. “That’s not necessarily true for all people who identify as asexual.”
Asexual is an umbrella term encompassing many different identities on the asexual — often shortened to ace — spectrum. For example, you could be demisexual, aka only feel sexually attracted to someone once you’ve formed a strong emotional bond, or gray-asexual, which describes people who do experience sexual attraction but at low levels (and sometimes, not at all).
This means that, yes, many asexual people still have sex. If you’ve ever heard that someone can’t be ace if they still have sex — that’s completely wrong. Ultimately, asexual is a label to help describe a set of experiences, but there’s lots of nuance within it.
Here are some other myths about asexuality:
Myth: Being asexual is the same as having a low libido
Someone can have a low libido for a myriad of reasons, like side effects from their depression medication or birth control, stress or anxiety. A low libido does not mean that someone is asexual, and someone who is asexual does not automatically have a low libido.
Elliott says that someone who is asexual may still experience arousal related to fetishes or kinks without experiencing attraction or arousal to another person.
Myth: Asexual people aren’t interested in romantic relationships
It's a misconception that ace people aren’t interested in romantic relationships. Asexual people marry, date and can have romantic love and attraction, just like people who aren’t asexual.
Myth: Asexual people don’t need to get preventive screenings
Another misconception suggests that asexual people who aren’t sexually active don’t need to get certain preventive health screenings. In fact, they can still benefit from many screenings.
“There are many different factors that can influence a person’s risk for disease development, such as sexual history, family history, environmental exposures, diet, activity and more,” says Elliott. “For example, someone with a cervix who isn’t sexually active still benefits from routine cervical cancer screening, especially if they’ve had close family members with cervical cancer.”
What not to say when talking about asexuality
Even though you might have a million and one questions, Elliott doesn’t recommend asking others about their sexuality unless they have openly expressed that they’re comfortable and willing to talk about it. You’re doing a good job by being here, doing the research yourself.
“From the perspective of a homosexual cis-male who grew up in the south, it made me feel so uncomfortable, and at times unsafe, when people would ask me questions or assign labels to my sexuality when I was still trying to learn and figure things out myself,” Elliott says. “By doing the research, learning and being more educated on this topic, hopefully we’re able to foster an environment where our friends and loved ones who are members of the asexuality community will feel more comfortable sharing their own experiences, if desired, without feeling as if they’re having to teach us about their sexuality.”
What not to say to yourself when thinking about asexuality
If you are reading about asexuality because you feel like you might fall somewhere under the ace umbrella, the most important thing to do is to be kind to yourself.
“One common question is, ‘Is there something wrong with me?’ And the answer is ‘No.’” says Elliott. “Each individual person is going to experience different emotions and sexual desires as they proceed through life on their individual journeys. Just because you may experience that attraction differently than someone else, or not at all, doesn’t mean that you’re unwell or alone in your feelings.”
You don’t need to say anything mean to yourself or put yourself down for having these thoughts and feelings — they are completely normal, and plenty of people feel the same way, too.
