From Crush to Cringe: How to Overcome 'the Ick'

It was all meant to be — a timeless tale of romance filled with lush bouquets of roses, cozy dinners and sweet goodbyes. And then ... your date puts on the flip-flops. Your stomach begins to turn as you watch their little toes wiggle; you internally cringe at their touch and notice every flaw and you know that you've now got it — the ick. Is all hope lost? Is the romance with your dream person officially down the drain?

Well, according to Pepper Schwartz, PhD, an author, researcher and long-time professor of sociology at the University of Washington, that’s kind of up to you. Let’s get into it.

The ick

Though dating can sometimes involve catching a number of things (yikes), the ick is one of the most dreaded — because it can truly mean the end for your relationship.

Though you'll mostly find mention of the ick on social media and the occasional British reality dating show, the term first appeared in pop culture in the late 1990s and has since been a way for folks to express their sudden (and often inexplicable) disgust with someone they previously found charming and attractive. It tends to happen out of nowhere, for reasons that seem absolutely mundane.

“On the one hand, everybody understands it because it’s a human emotion, and the emotion is understandable and recognizable,” says Schwartz. “But on the other hand, it's very subjective and also dismissive — it's sort of like a period at the end of the sentence.”

What makes the ick interesting is how subjective it is. Something that might completely gross you out (hello, weird loud chewing noises) might not bother someone else in the least.

All the grossed-out ladies

It’s not clear whether men or women experience the ick more, but it’s probably safe to assume that the ladies are more open to discussing it.

“I do think women talk more about it because they talk to their friends; they’re much more open,” says Schwartz. “Men don’t talk about those things as much; they might just say, ‘I wasn't attracted’ as opposed to, ‘I’m getting the ick’ — I'm not sure men have a frame for it that way.”

Good ole survival instincts might be another reason that women are more likely to get the ick. After all, way back in the day, choosing the right partner to have children with would often determine your chances and your offspring’s chances of survival. And back then, if your partner had weird habits and personality quirks or strange hygiene practices, they (and therefore you) might be ostracized from the group, which would leave your family more vulnerable.

"That said, if we were so evolutionarily good about that, we wouldn't still have women choosing men that are terrible to them,” says Schwartz. “We're doing better because we have more options, but we’re still not always choosing wisely.”

The good, the bad and the icky

When it comes to the ick in modern times, Schwartz thinks it’s a feeling that we trust a little more than we should sometimes. The ick usually hits when you’re just starting to get to know a person and in the honeymoon stage ... until you suddenly aren’t.

Schwartz thinks this comes from a desire to write people off, because that tends to be an easier option than communicating or working on the relationship. Or maybe the magic has begun to wear off, and you’re having to deal with a real and flawed human being, which can dim the romance.

And what about when the ick hits in a longer-term, more serious relationship?

“I think, in longer-term relationships, there's usually a ratio of things you like and things you don't like,” says Schwartz. “I read something interesting once that said that people often break up over the things that had initially attracted them in the beginning of the relationship.”

Like, maybe you really enjoyed their weird and quirky sense of humor in the early days, but by the end, you’re just so embarrassed and dread every joke they’re about to tell your family or friends.

Sometimes those irritations just mean it’s time for an open and honest conversation about the things that bother you. They might be fixable if you really care about the person and want to continue being together. But if you’re suddenly ready to write them off over a habit or quirk you could work on, it might mean that the relationship has run its course, and you’re looking for a way out.

The ick vs. fear of rejection

Have you noticed you get the ick and give up on relationships *a lot*? It might be worth examining whether there’s something deeper going on.

“If there's always an ick issue for you, it's a way of pushing people away and of being avoidant,” says Schwartz. “I think when you have a lot of ick factors that are very personal and specific, it's up to the individual to figure out which ones are important and which ones are a defense against the world.”

After all, it’s common for people to have big feelings and not examine where they’re really coming from. For example, maybe you’re actually afraid of rejection or of getting too close to someone and having them really see you, so you get “icked out” by them first. Hence why it’s important to look at yourself and try to understand what’s truly going on.

Fixing the ick

All of this raises the question: Can you fix the ick?

That depends. Some things — like the way your partner laughs, or the size of their hands or the way they hiccup when they’re nervous — are kind of out of their control. Plus, telling someone you hate something like their laugh is insulting since it’s a pretty deeply ingrained part of who they are.

But something like personal hygiene or style? Those are things that can be successfully worked on.

“Lots of people I know have asked their partner to avoid wearing sandals, or to, you know, dress up more or stop wearing natural deodorant,” says Schwartz. “And a lot of those things can be done.”

It's really a question of whether you want to work on something that could be fixed fairly easily, especially if you share a genuine connection. And, if they are a good match for you, your partner will want to work on those things since they’re probably not loving that they gross you out.

"Sure, there can be things that are part of your partner that you don’t like, and that aren’t really changeable,” says Schwartz. “But I think there are more things that can be modified in the service of the relationship than a person who dwells on it is willing to consider.”

Wrapping this up

In the end, it’s going to be up to you how you let the ick run its course.

“Sometimes you just can't get past the ick, and it's something that wears on you because there's not enough compensation in other categories,” says Schwartz. “And if you don’t have enough motivation to get around it or overcome it, you won’t.”

It’s all about that balance. Someone can do gross things (ahem, my husband), but not gross you out, and that’s because there are enough lovable things to outweigh the ick.

"Maybe he did whatever it is that you don't like in the morning, but in the evening, he did one of those great things you do like, and that balance is enough to reinforce the relationship,” says Schwartz. “And the frame is a positive frame ... just with some dents in it.”