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It happens suddenly. One day, your child comes home from school and tosses a paper at you that says the “body unit” is starting in class soon. Or maybe you have a new addition on the way, and your kid has questions about your growing belly. Or they keep hearing this word “sex” in songs and movies and wonder what it means. Whatever the situation is ... it’s time to have the talk with them.
“Right when the conversation around sex comes up, that’s when it’s a good idea to start talking about it,” says Mai Tran-Ngoc, DO, a physician at the UW Medical Center – Roosevelt Clinic and Seattle Children’s specializing in adolescent medicine.
And yes, that conversation can feel a little uncomfortable for both parents and kids. Which is why we have tips on how to keep things direct and focused, while laying down the groundwork for open communication in the future.
It’s important to talk to kids about sex
Talking to your kids about sex is essential for a variety of reasons. You want them to have the correct information, you want them to stay safe and understand boundaries when it comes to their bodies, and you want them to make informed decisions about sex in the future.
This includes knowing the real anatomical words for private parts (like vulva and testicles) so that there’s no confusion if they are being inappropriately touched, and understanding boundaries, even when it comes to trusted adults like teachers and family friends.
You may have heard that kids are having less sex these days, or they’re at least starting to have sex a lot later. Tran-Ngoc, for one, believes that’s true and that it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
“When I talk to my patients about this, even patients who are sexually active, many of them are very thoughtful around their initiation around sex and thinking about consent and if they’re ready,” she says.
She considers that a testament to the fact that even when kids today learn about sex, it’s not guaranteed they are going to immediately start having more of it. She also thinks that by knowing what to expect when it comes to sex, they are better equipped to decide if they’re ready, rather than just thinking it’s something they need to be doing.
Timing is ... everything
Though the patients that Tran-Ngoc generally sees in adolescent medicine are ages 10 to 21, she knows that the timing for “the conversation” can vary based on your child and doesn’t always follow a specific timeline. But she does have some guidance:
“I would say that the best time is if things come up, but especially as your kids near puberty,” says Tran-Ngoc. “Talking about how people’s bodies change is always a good time to bring in things like sex because those kind of go hand in hand.”
For girls and people assigned female at birth, this may be around when they have their first period, anywhere between 10 and 14. She recommends talking to your kid a bit beforehand, so they’re prepared.
And for boys and people assigned male at birth, puberty comes a little bit later, but since they may notice girls around their age starting to change, it’s a good time to have that conversation, too.
Also, it’s good for girls and boys to learn about each other’s changes because it can help build empathy for each other. (Flashback to stuffing your tampon up the sleeve of your shirt on the way to the bathroom — horrified that someone might find out you have your period. Yikes.)
Tips on how to talk about sex
Here are some quick tips for getting the most out of your talk with your kids, with the least amount of embarrassment (fingers crossed).
Understand where your kid is starting from
This is where you want to make sure your kid has an understanding of what exactly sex is — you know, where the body parts actually go during intercourse, what the different kinds of sex are and the logistics of how a baby is made.
“One of my colleagues goes to schools to talk to kids about sex, and has people write their questions about bodies and sex on note cards,” says Tran-Ngoc. “She then answers these anonymous questions for everyone, and you’d be amazed at the confusion that kids have about sex.”
This might also include a discussion about masturbation; yes, this conversation may be horrifying/embarrassing for everyone involved, but it’s important that your kid knows that touching yourself is a normal part of growing up and is not shameful.
Take advantage of natural conversation starters
Though some folks unintentionally wait for their kid to bring that paper home from school (ahem, me), others struggle to start the sex conversation in a way that doesn’t seem too forced. Tran-Ngoc has an answer for that:
“If you see stuff on TV in a show that seems to be leading to sex, or there is a sex scene, instead of covering your kid’s eyes, you can use that as an opportunity to talk to your kid about what they’re seeing,” she says.
Use those potentially awkward moments as an organic starting point for a conversation.
Use tools like print and online resources
There are many resources to help you along this journey, starting with your kid’s health team. You should definitely reach out to your kid’s doctor and ask if they have any recommendations that can help with these conversations.
Books are also helpful guides for families because they give structure and a reference to go back to, plus there are a lot of options, so you can find a book that meets your family’s needs. You can also find a plethora of online resources that cover bodies, sex, gender, reproductive justice and more.
Emphasize that sex is not bad or shameful
Sex is a natural part of life, and though it’s approached differently depending on cultural or religious beliefs, it’s still something that’s essential to discuss for the health and happiness of your kid. Plus, it’s a topic they’ll keep encountering in their day-to-day lives, and talking about it now is an opportunity to start thinking about it thoughtfully.
How your kids will know if they’re ready for sex
Have an older kid who is considering having sex for the first time? Or do they have a friend who’s curious? Share with your kid some ways to help them decide if they’re ready:
- You should be able to have a conversation about sex and what sex is going to look like with your partner. It’s a good sign if you can talk with your partner and set guidelines to ensure that sex is fun, consensual and pleasurable. You should also be able to talk about protection, like condoms and birth control. If you feel uncomfortable having that conversation? Red flag.
- You should feel confident that your partner will listen to you if you want them to slow down or stop. And you should also want to have sex and not feel pressured into it.
- You should know why you want to have sex. “Is sex a way to deepen your bond with this person? Is this for pleasure? Is this something that you want to try out? All of those things are valid reasons to have sex, but you just want to be very clear about those things with yourself and your partner,” says Tran-Ngoc.
- You should have people you can talk to about sex. Yes, friends are great, but it’s best to have an adult in your life whom you can confide in — this person could also be your doctor. (And whatever your kid does speak with them about is confidential once they’re 13.)
Communication is key
Remember, everyone has a different way of approaching the topic of sex, but in the end, open communication is essential.
“Maintaining communication with your kid is the most important part because it helps them make good decisions around sex and pregnancy and understand how to protect themselves when it comes to sexually transmitted infections,” says Tran-Ngoc.
And in the end, what really matters is that your kid has a healthy relationship not only with sex, but with their own body.
